CSP-012

Object #: 012

Object Class: Safe

Written by Dr. Jonas

Security clearance: 02

Special containment procedures: Subject should be kept in a small enclosure made for birds and given the necessary food and water for it’s survival.

Description: CSP-012 is a common rock dove (pigeon, Columba livia) with normal anatomy and does not seem anomalous or harmful at all. The pigeon wears a small top hat on it’s head, and usually goes about smiling.

It’s unusual properties reside in its ability to speak (it’s catchphrase is “Hey! Pigeon in a hat!”) and its nightmare-summoning. When the pigeon is threatened, it will begin to look cross and pigeon-y flesh will grow over his top hat. It will sometimes say, “Fuck it. Pigeon in a hat”. The pigeon will then summon what it perceives as your “worst nightmare”, which will leap at you while the pigeon is standing still and glaring. The creature summoned will dematerialize before it actually touches you, however. If this fails, the pigeon will become more angry and summon more terrifying and disturbing things upon you, growing slightly bigger and more fleshy each time. Eventually, if this fails, he will give up and attack you directly, like a magpie.

The pigeon, as it can speak and is considered sapient, was interviewed and this followed:

Dr. Patrick: So, uh, hello, CSP-012. We haven’t really interviewed a CSP before. We should probably-

CSP-012: Knock-knock!

Dr. Patrick: Uh… Who’s there?

CSP-012: Pigeon in a hat!

Dr. Patrick: ...ok. Very funny. I need to ask you a few questions about your nature. Where did you-

CSP-012: Hey, you didn’t finish the joke. You're supposed to say, ‘Who’s there?’

Dr. Patrick: *scoffs* Yeah, they were right. You are annoying. Now, for those questions…

CSP-012: ''Finish… the… joke. [Dr. Patrick watches in horror as pigeon flesh slowly spreads over the hat.]''

Dr. Patrick: Shit.

Dr. Evan, through com: Get out of there, mate!

Dr. Patrick: What the fuck is that!? It’s like a bunch of deformed baby heads melded together on spider legs!

Dr. Evan: ''Come on, you idiot! Run!''

[Camera shuts off.]

CSP-012, over static: Pigeon in a hat who wants to be friends with you.

Discovery:

CSP-012 was recovered in a park. It took walks there every day, according to witnesses, and always seemed to be cheerfully whistling, which people thought was cute. Mistakenly, a pigeon feeder set it off via unknown means. Witnesses called the police, who instantly contacted the Foundation after it started to speak and rattled off it’s catchphrase.

Addendum:

CSP-012 seems to summon the baby head monster a bit too much, according to staff.